How The WB Stole B/A
by Smurfette
Summary: A parody of the classic Dr. Suess Christmas story.


TITLE: How the WB Stole B/A   
AUTHOR: Smurfette   
E-MAIL: smurfette3001@yahoo.com, purple_smurf@bigpond.com   
DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine! 'How The Ginch Stole Christmas' was written by Dr. Suess, is copyrighted to Dr. Suess Enterprises, L.P., and has something to do with Random House and HaperCollins, maybe Universal Pictures, too. All things Buffy-like belong to the WB (who stole them!), Fox, UPN, Mutant Enemy, Joss, Marti, David, Tim, and anyone else I might have forgotten. TBPH, I wouldn't even _want_ to lay claim to what they're supposed to be showing at the moment.   
SPOILERS: Just general stuff... S/B and C/A... the chip...   
SYNOPSIS: General wrongness inspired by Dr. Suess' classic 1957 tale, 'How The Grinch Stole Christmas'.   
DISTRIBUTION: snort> you want this? Feel free! Just drop me a line, or link here.   
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is wrong! I can't begin to say how wrong this is! Yet, I couldn't resist. I don't normally write, and most of my efforts end up on the scrap-heap, but I figured that this was such a bad idea it couldn't get any worse! I was reading 'Grinch' for the first time ever (yes, it _is_ possible) and the line about 'heart two sizes too small' made me immediately think of the no-crossovers thing, and how they like to grind our hearts into the dirt at every available opportunity... and I know S/B is on UPN, and it was going to be How The Joss Stole Shipperness, or Marti, or something, but... this worked... I think...   
FEEDBACK: As the Laziest Feedback Person Online, I don't think I can make any demands... But feel free, all the same!   
RATING: Erm, it's from Dr. Suess. I think anyone can handle it! 

Every _Shipper_   
Down in _Shipper_-ville   
Liked Buffy/Angel a lot... 

But WB   
Who screened one of the shows,   
Did NOT! 

The WB _hated_ Buffy and Angel! And all B/A seasons!   
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reasons.   
It _could_ be their heads weren't screwed on just right.   
It _could_ be, perhaps, that their fists were too tight.   
But I think that the most likely reason of all   
May have been that their hearts were two sizes too small. 

But,   
Whatever the reason,   
Their hearts or their cash,   
They hated B/A-ness like a very bad rash.   
They stared down at _Shippers_ with stories to kill   
Trying to douse all warm hearts living in _Shipper_-ville.   
For they knew every _Shipper_ walked round with a strut   
And spent their nights reading stories filled with good smut. 

"And they're filling the web!" they snarled with a sneer.   
"Soon it is Sweeps time! It's practically here!"   
So they spent all their time busily hyping,   
And trying to keep those _Shippers_ from typing. 

For,   
Left alone, they knew... 

... Any _Shipper_ not at the end of their rope,   
Without desperate measures, they'd continue to hope!   
And _then!_ Oh, the Fics! Fics! Fics! Fics!   
That's one thing they hated! The FICS! FICS! FICS! FICS! 

Then the _Shippers_, new and old, would expect a reunion.   
And they'd feast! _And they'd feast!_   
And they'd FEAST!   
FEAST!   
FEAST!   
FEAST!   
And they'd feast upon watching, and oh, the confusion!   
And the joy they would feel no longer illusions! 

And THEN   
They'd do something   
WB liked least of all!   
Every _Shipper_ in _Shipper_-ville, the tall and the small,   
Would find perfect happiness inside the shows.   
And where happiness lurks, no audience grows. 

They'd type! _And they'd type!_   
AND they'd TYPE! TYPE! TYPE! TYPE!   
And the more the WB thought of this _Shipper_-happy-type,   
The more the WB thought, "We must need more hype!   
"Why, for five long years we've put up with it now!   
"We MUST stop this continuous hope!   
_ ... But HOW?"_

Then they got an idea!   
_An awful idea!_   
THE WB   
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! 

"I know _just_ what to do!" The WB started to race,   
And they made a quick Spike-like body and face.   
And they chuckled, and clucked, "And to think they might trust!   
We know all good 'ships depend only on lust!" 

"Now all we need is a soul..."   
The WB looked around.   
But, since souls are still scarce, there was none to be found.   
Did that stop evil WB...?   
No! The WB simply said,   
"If we can't _find_ a soul, we'll _make_ one instead!"   
So they called their IT, and read all the chip-guides,   
And they took their false-Spike and hid that chip deep inside. 

THEN   
They loaded some stories,   
And suspended repeats   
And hoped that the paintwork   
Wouldn't crack under heat. 

The WB cried out, "Action!"   
And they started to hype;   
The boom slowly lowered to   
Where the _Shippers_ still typed. 

The computers went dark. Quiet hope filled the air.   
All the _Shippers_ were dreaming sweet dreams without care,   
When horrors beyond horrors filled each TV's square.   
"We'll corrupt all their hope," the WB spat and they hissed   
And clenched all their savings in their tight little fist. 

So Spike fell for Buffy. Good sense took a hike.   
But, if Angel could do it, then so could their Spike!   
They stalled only once, for a moment or two,   
Then character doubts and plot holes? Out the window they flew.   
All the _Shippery_ dreams stood neat in a row,   
"These dreams," they grinned, "are the _first_ things to go!" 

They hacked and they butchered, destroying the dreams;   
Pulled the mythology they built apart at the seams!   
The curse! And evilness! Remorse, and redemption!   
Who cares if Buffy wouldn't -- it got the attention!   
They stuffed all the past in old plastic bags;   
Pushed them into the closet with mouldy old rags. 

Then they slunk to LA, carving away more of the hope,   
And tied Angel/Cordy with incestuous rope.   
They cleaned up the past as quick as a flash;   
Soon there wouldn't be anything left to rehash. 

They stuffed brooding Angel in the garbage with glee   
Giving legions of fans good reason to flee. 

The WB grabbed Spike, then Cordy, and started to shove   
It all down the throats, and claimed it was love.   
Then they turned, and saw innocence there;   
A little young _Shipper_ with bright curling hair. 

She asked, "Why are you forcing us all of this muck?"   
She'd asked this before, and was hoping for luck.   
She stared at the WB and asked, "Mr. WB, why?   
_"Why_ are you taking our Forever away? WHY?" 

But, you know, that old WB was so smart and so slick,   
They thought up a lie, and they thought it up quick!   
"Why, my sweet little fan," the Evils Ones lied,   
"Forever's so _long,_ and we've already tried...   
"This isn't forever; it's just for a while..."   
Their voice trailed off, so they stood there and smiled. 

Their fibs unconvincing, but they were all power   
And stared down the child 'till she started to cower.   
They went back to work, annoyed by distractions,   
Sweeps were so close -- it was time for some actions! 

The _last_ thing they took   
Was the will for their sight!   
_Shippers_ wished to be blind when B/S turned out the light.   
(Though Buffy and Angel had shone twice as bright...) 

And the one speck of hope   
They left on the show   
Flecked and flickered and out it would go. 

Then   
They continued   
_week after week_

Leaving only hope   
Far too small   
For others to seek. 

And so the WB...   
Took out all the trash   
(Hoping that lust would stop the backlash);   
They threw out the hope! The love! All the past!   
They threw it all out, and threw it out fast! 

Three thousand feet down, the pit of no return;   
Into the Hellmouth, and there it could burn!   
"Thank God for B/Sers," they laughed out with glee,   
"They made it all possible, don't you all see!   
"As for the _Shippers_ -- we know _just_ what they'll do!   
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two   
"Then the _Shippers_ in _Shipper_-ville will all cry BOO-HOO! 

"That's a noise," warbled WB,   
"That we simply MUST hear!"   
So they paused. And the WB put their hands to their ears,   
And they _did_ hear a noise come out over the air...   
And when they did hear it, it caused them to stare. 

For the sound wasn't _sad_!   
But what more could they do?   
They thought of everything   
They'd put _Shippers_ through. 

Curses and hell, death   
And separation survived;   
It would need something else   
For this hope to divide. 

For every _Shipper_ in _Shipper_-ville, the tall and the small,   
Were typing and hoping, with no cause at all! 

They HADN'T stop hope in forever!   
IT WAS STAYING!   
Somehow or another, repeats were still playing! 

And for deluded WB, epiphany came slow,   
They stood puzzling and puzzling: "How _could_ it be so?   
"They go without hope! They go without reason!   
"They go without contact a whole friggin' season!"   
And they puzzled three hours, till their puzzlers were sore,   
_Then_ the WB thought of something they hadn't before!   
"Maybe hope and denial," they thought, "Is right at their core.   
"It's gone through curses, and hell, and even much more!" 

And what happened _then_...? Well, in _Shipper_-ville they say   
That the WB's heart let them be from that day!   
They realized forever can't be taken on lightly   
And let B/A's star shine a little more brightly.   
They called up a truce, without any laughter...   
And they...   
allowed us   
to hope for our happily after.   



End file.
